Learning From a Hostage Negotiator: Communicating Without Arguing.

If you are a hostage negotiator getting into an argument isn’t advisable. It’s not going to resolve the conflict and probably isn’t going to end well for anyone, especially the people you are trying to save. But in highly tense situations where negotiators are ideologically opposed to the other side’s point of view, keeping cool and not getting into an argument takes a lot of skill and experience.

If you find yourself in an argument with your partner, the stakes may not be quite as high but the outcome of an argument may still be serious; potentially terminal for your relationship. In such circumstances it is worth learning from the very best.

Jonathan Powell was the Downing Street Chief of Staff for the duration of Tony Blair’s time premiership. During this time he helped negotiate the Northern Ireland peace process, before becoming David Cameron’s special envoy to Libya where he helped broker peace between rival factions. He now works as a hostage negotiator in armed conflicts across the world.

To say he needs to know how to keep his cool and avoid arguments in tense situations is an understatement. In this podcast interview, he explains (and demonstrates) the secret to avoiding arguments. The simple rule is to…

…focus on what the person is saying, not the tone they are using.

When voices are raised and the tone is accusatory it is natural for the other person in the conversation to enter a fight or flight response. They will either get defensive, dig their heels in and argue back or walk away. We can all probably relate to those situations with our partner.

All that does is breed resentment and let issues fester.

By listening to what the other person is saying the sting is taken out of the conversation. And, by responding dispassionately the expected pattern of an argument is interrupted and calm can be restored.

As hard as it is in the heat of the moment when our egos are feeling threatened, taking emotion out of the situation is disarming. The only natural response from your partner is to respond in kind, dispassionately and calmly.

In the interview, Rory Stewart gets emotional in his response about Labour’s invasion of Iraq but is immediately disarmed when Powell responds dispassionately. Stewart is taken aback by Powell’s calm response and falls back from his emotional response.

Adult to Adult Not Parent to Child

I attended a sales training course a few years ago in which the trainer explained that when dealing with buyers we need to converse on an adult-to-adult basis not as parent and child. To a group of experienced salespeople that seemed obvious but the point was often in a buyer/seller relationship the balance of power is out of kilter.

If the buyer has the power they will take the role of a parent and talk down to the salesperson's child. On the other hand, if the power is with the seller, the buyer becomes the child and can ‘act up’ to the seller wanting to get their way. Neither balance of power creates a mutually beneficial relationship.

The dynamics between couples can be the same. One may permanently or temporarily take on the role of the adult and the other as the child. If there is a difference in the earnings between the couple this may often be the case; the high earner naturally being the parent and the lower earner the child. The parent may control how the money is spent and the child challenges the relationship with their financial behaviour or emotional responses.

Whether the relationship is a professional buyer/seller one or a romantic one, a healthy partnership is conducted at an adult to adult level. There is mutual respect, both sides take time to listen to the other’s needs and mutually beneficial solutions are discovered jointly.

So, next time you find yourself arguing with your partner about money (or anything), assume the role of the adult, listen to what they have to say, respond without emotion and enable them to join you at the adult level.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash