Cold Turkey Without The Cold Shoulder: How To Avoid Money Arguments This Christmas
Christmas should be a happy time of year; a season of giving, celebrating and love, but for many couples it can put a strain on the relationship and be a cause of arguments.
According to finder.com, we Brits are expecting to spend an average of £602 on Christmas presents this year, with the Bank of England reporting in 2020 that on average we spend nearly £740 more in December than any other month of the year.
Yet the cost is more than that; in February, the Office for National Statistics found that 4 in 10 adults (22 million people) did not intend to save any money in the year. While the cost of living crisis will be a significant reason, the delayed cost of Christmas coming in January credit card bills is likely to be a de-motivating factor to save. Furthermore, a study from the Mental Health Foundation found that 22% of UK adults experienced stress as a result of money worries.
In that financial context, it is little wonder that Christmas is a cause of conflict rather than a time to cosy up in front of the fire and a repeat of The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special.
If money, is the main theme, what are the catalysts for Yuletide arguments?
Save or Splurge
As I have written before, our attitude towards and relationship with money differs from person to person. If one is a saver and the other is a spender, Christmas time is going to be like the hot brandy on the Christmas pudding; it’ll only take a small spark to set it alight.
If you see Christmas as a time to push the boat out and treat the children to the latest must-have toys, to stock the cupboards with enough food and booze to cater for the cast of the Muppets’ Christmas Carol and deck your house with enough lights to outshine the Blackpool illuminations, it is going to end in an argument if your partner prefers a Christmas that would make Ebeneezer Scrooge feel extravagant.
Our attitude towards Christmas is a festive spotlight on our overall attitude towards money and echoes from our childhood experiences. Although there is no set rule, our childhood experiences heavily influence how we want to enjoy Christmas as adults. It may be we didn’t have much at Christmas time when we were young, in which case adulthood is a time to make amends, especially if we have children ourselves.
Or, it may be we enjoyed very decadent Christmases and don’t want that to change. It might also be that we experienced our own parents arguing during Christmas so don’t see it as a time of joy. Instead, it is a season to endure rather than enjoy.
What To Do About The Kids?
Christmas comes with huge pressure to do the right thing for the children. Do you give them everything they want so you can enjoy the smiles on their faces as they open their fiftieth present before the weak winter sun even breaks the horizon? Or, do you risk the crushing feeling of guilt by keeping it simple for fear that by spoiling them now you are creating entitled monsters?
When they are young it is easier; children under seven don’t understand the value of money. Rather than the price ‘he’ paid for them young children are seduced by the sheer volume of presents left by Santa. An oversized pen, a colouring book and a bottle of Matey bubble bath and you are well on your way to a child who will be entertained until Boxing Day.
The challenge comes when they are older and the wish list includes presents that need Wifi and usernames but they are not ready to forgo the number of gifts just yet. Where do you draw the line?
If one of you is more Christmas with the Kardashians but the other is more Christmas with Jim Royle a fiscal fight is waiting to happen.
Misjudged Expressions of Love
You are desperate to do the right thing by your partner and get them something they are going to love. But what if your interpretation of what is right is wrong?
If you have different views on money you risk missing the mark with your gift. You might believe the more zeros on the gift the greater the expression of love, but your partner interprets this as a waste of money at a time when you are supposed to be reducing debt or investing for the future. You thought you were playing the hero in a Richard Curtis Rom-Com, but your partner thought you were acting more like Tom Hanks in Big.
Or perhaps the opposite applies. In a wish to be thrifty, you took the “it’s the thought that counts” message too literally. What you should have got was a more overt display of your love and affection.
When our views on money come from opposite ends of the spectrum, how this is represented in the gifts we buy each other is likely to miss the mark and cause resentment.
How To Avoid Money-Created Conflict This Christmas
If you don’t want to be the subject of the cold shoulder treatment as you are tucking into another cold turkey sandwich it is best to be open about your concerns well before the first needles of the Christmas tree have fallen.
The best antidote to conflict is communication and transparency. Explain to your partner that you are worried that money may be a cause of arguments this Christmas but you want to avoid it happening.
How you broach the subject is important; you don’t want them to feel cornered, judged and on the back foot. Ask them what Christmas was like for them growing up and what memories they have of it, good and bad. Explain what it meant for you too and discuss what a perfect Christmas looks like for both of you.
You can also discuss where Christmas ranks amongst your other financial priorities. If you are on the same page with your longer-term plans you are more likely to agree that Christmas, while a time of celebration and joy, may need to take a back seat so your money can be allocated elsewhere.
If you would like to arrange a coaching session to talk through your financial differences with an unbiased third party contact me.