You want to have constructive, adult-to-adult conversations with your partner about money. The problem is, every time you do it ends up in an argument with one of you storming out. The issue is left unresolved and the resentment chips away at your relationship. You risk the relationship ending, all because of money.

If this sounds like a similar situation it is likely that you are going about the conversation the wrong way, even if your intentions are positive.

We all have egos, some more fragile than others, and if they are challenged we become defensive. The chimp part of our brain (read Dr Steve Peter’s excellent book on this if you want to understand more) reacts negatively causing us to either defend our position (i.e. arguing back) or fleeing the situation (i.e. storming out of the room).

The secret to having constructive conversations about money that don’t end in an argument is to manage your partner’s chimp. And that means protecting their ego. You do this by letting them feel they are in control of the conversation, not in a manipulative way but to gently guide and coax information out of them.

Asking the right questions in the right way is the secret.

Avoiding Yes/No Responses

Closed questions are those that get a “Yes” or “No” response. They can be helpful in some situations but don’t provide any information to continue a question. They can also come across as accusatory which will get their chimp all fired up.

“Did you really buy that?”

“Did you forget to pay that bill?”

“Can you tell me why you bought that?”

“Are you sure that is a good use of your money?”

“Do we really have to save ALL of our money? Can we not enjoy some of it?”

If you put yourself in their position you can probably see how it may feel to be on the receiving end. Rather than asking closed questions you want to ask open questions that can’t be answered with a yes or a no.

But Not All Open Questions Are Created Equal.

Questions starting with ‘How’, ‘What’, ‘Why’, ‘When’, ‘Where’ and ‘Who’ all require a longer response and will provide you with more information about what your partner is thinking or what their motivation is. But not all of them will result in a constructive conversation for you both.

‘When’ or ‘where’ questions are only going to provide factual answers that won’t progress a conversation and coaches will tell you that ‘why’ is rarely a good way to phrase a conversation. I’ll admit that for a long time I struggled to understand why ‘why’ was a poor way to frame a question, I felt it all depended on the tone; asking passively or inquisitively “Why did you do that?” feels better than “what were you thinking when you did that?”. But psychologists will tell you that ‘why’ questions tend to have an accusatory basis.

This leaves “How” or “What” questions. Questions starting with “How” or “What” require your partner to give some thought to the answer without feeling they are being put on the spot. They enable them to retain a feeling of control whilst providing information to help progress the constructive conversation. For example, we rephrase the questions asked above in a more positive voice:

“What is it about this purchase that is important to you?”

“What was it that caused you to forget to pay the bill?”

“What motivated you to buy that?”

“How do you want to use your money?”

“How can we find a way to use your money that suits us both?” or “What can we do with our money that suits us both?”

You can see that if asked in this way, you can get better answers that are helpful to both of you.

Don’t Ask A Great Question With The Wrong Tone?

But don’t ruin a great question with the wrong tone. I said at the start of this article that you need to protect your partner’s ego so you don’t rile their inner chimp into a fight or flight response. How you ask the question will therefore determine the response you get.

By taking your ego out of the situation you can protect theirs. Think about the previous questions, they can all be asked in an aggressive or passive manner. You can probably imagine the response each one would get if asked the wrong way.

To help frame questions in a collaborative way you could preface them with words and phrases such as “Tell me…”, “I’m interested to know…” or “Help me understand…”. Be careful though not to come across as patronising or condescending.

I hope this helps you to get to the root of your money arguments and find mutually agreeable solutions. If you feel a coaching session for you and your partner would help, get in touch.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash