Let’s set the scene, you try to sit down with your partner for an orderly, grown-up conversation about money but it quickly descends into an argument. And, like all arguments, you just can’t get through to each other. You think you are right and your partner believes they are right; the barricades are up and neither of you is prepared to back down. In the end, one of you storms out and the conversation about your money is pushed back. Again.

Or, perhaps there is no argument; one of you wants to talk about it but the other doesn’t. The subject of money makes them uncomfortable and they don’t want to argue. To avoid confrontation they dismiss the subject, which leads to an argument about not talking about it anyway.

We Are All Different

From the early days of economics, with pioneers like Adam Smith, economists have assumed we make decisions using logic and reasoning. The reality is that we often make decisions poorly. Nobody chooses to make poor decisions, there is a reason why we make any decision even if it is not immediately obvious or explicit.

Decisions are made emotionally but justified logically. The big brands know this and pull on those emotional strings; they want their consumers to have an emotional connection to their brands because that leads to sales.

We can put these motivations into broad categories based on the outcome we are after:

• To stand out from the crowd (Lamborghini)

• To be part of a community (Apple)

• To feel safe (Volvo)

• To have freedom (Expedia)

• To be a thrill seeker (Red Bull)

• To feel secure (Aviva)

• To protect the environment (Patagonia)

• To have a sense of well-being (Peloton)

Your buying decisions will therefore be inherently linked to your values and how you want to feel. If your values are aligned to your status and how you want to be seen you will buy brands that give you that identity. If your values are about your security you will buy products and services that fulfill that need. Freedom seekers will spend more of their money on holidays and weekends away than they do on material possessions.

My over-riding motivation is to be able to provide my children with the life I enjoyed when I was young. My money decisions are therefore more aligned with that; putting money aside for their education and enjoying holidays as a family. Although I like to wear nice clothes and have gadgets they are less important to me so less of my money is spent on them.

How To Solve The Money Disconnect Without Arguing

When you understand that we don’t make decisions rationally, but do so behind layers of emotion, you can understand that our personal decisions are likely to be different from our partners. Their backgrounds and life experiences will have added their own layers of emotion creating their value systems; most of which will have been formed in childhood.

If you have been carrying around specific values and beliefs for 30-plus years it is little wonder you will enter flight or fight mode when they are challenged. Flight’, “I don’t want to get into an argument about this so I’m going to close up.”‘Fight’: “I’m going to defend my corner here and argue with you.”

Once you have this level of understanding you can move forward with dispassionate money conversations that achieve outcomes both of you are happy with. The starting point is to have a discussion about what is important to both of you and what money means to you both. This will lead to insights about each other and yourself that you will never have had before regardless of how long you have been together.

Protecting Each Other’s Values

Having uncovered each others’ differences it is important to respect and protect them and make joint financial decisions that honour you both. If financial security is important to one of you but status is important to the other, that’s OK. You can think of ways to use your money that covers both, not necessarily on the same thing but allocated accordingly. Something along the lines of “If we agree to put money into savings and investments each month, we can put a similar amount towards what is important to you.”

However, you may find that, following a values-based conversation, once the drivers for a particular desire are uncovered, their importance may diminish. For example, someone with a high need for status may, once realised, decide other things are more important after all. Or, the person with a high need for security, may accept that there is also a need to ‘enjoy today’ too and be prepared to spend more on experiences and spontaneity while still putting money aside for the future too.

As an additional step you may also choose to write the agreement down and both sign it. Not so that you can submit it as evidence if one strays from the agreement (although that may be what you choose to do), but rather because doing so will cement its importance for both of you.

An additional agreement you may come to is that part of your income is to be used on a “no questions, no judgement basis”. This permits both of you to continue to spend according to your preferences on the acceptance that the rest is used for mutual benefit. Obviously, this should be a smaller allocation relative to the rest of the money allocations once all other expenses are agreed upon and funded.

If you want the benefit of a structured, money values conversation with an experienced and qualified financial coach, contact me.

Photo by Niranjan _ Photographs on Unsplash